My day began like any other day…
Six months ago, I went to work like normal. And like most days, I probably overslept and flew out of my house in a rush without much thought as to what the day would hold – other than that we had a huge caseload and there was potential to be stuck at work late that night. I know my husband and kids got up before I left to tell me goodbye – because they always do – but since it’s an “always” kind of thing, I didn’t think much of that either.
And sure enough, the day was busy and stressful. I made it through the 12 hour shift, always staying one step ahead of each O.R. that needed something and juggling all of the regular duties that come with my job.
But at the end of my shift, everything changed.
Right around shift change, one employee made the terrible decision to shoot two other employees, then he turned his weapon on himself. He did not survive his wounds. One of the injured employees miraculously survived the shooting. But despite all of our greatest efforts, the other injured employee – our coworker and friend – died.
I cannot adequately describe the sadness, the fear, the anger, and helplessness that I felt that night, and in the following days and weeks.
I was in shock.
I was scared.
I was sad and angry – all at the same time it seemed.
Coping with going back to work after such a terrifying event was really hard. Loud noises made me jump. Hearing other people talk about what happened would make me relive the events. I cried – A LOT. Even now, six months later, just typing out a tiny bit of what happened makes my heart race while I relive the fear of that night.
And while I am beyond thankful that no one else was physically hurt that night, my heart breaks for the families who started their day thinking that it was “just another day” only to have their world come crashing down because of a senseless act of violence. Two families would never see their loved ones again while another would keep a vigil at the bedside – hoping and praying for a miracle. And, thank God, that miracle happened.
My heart hurts for those families.
Such loss! What heart-break! And for no understandable reason that can be given this side of Heaven.
So many people were left hurting that night, with wounds that cannot be healed by any surgery or Band-Aid. If I’m completely honest with myself, I have to admit that I’m still hurting in many ways from that night. And I probably will be for a long time.
But healing takes time. Time that, all too often, I’m quick to give to others instead of to myself. Or I want to ignore it all because dealing with this issue seems too painful.
Now, I’m no saint. I think that most people, especially nurses, are all too quick to give their time to others instead of giving themselves the time they need to cope with loss, tragedy, or heart-break effectively. But we can’t just “get over it” by the next day. It affects us. For days, weeks, months, even years afterwards. Yet oftentimes we’re so busy taking care of everyone around us that we don’t take the time to help ourselves. Or sometimes, I think, it’s just easier to keep busy than it is to take the time to stop and focus on ourselves.
So today I want to remind you that it’s ok to take time for you.
It’s ok to admit if you’re struggling with something. And there’s no shame in putting your needs first if you need help facing a problem. This is a reminder for me as well. Looking back at this event, I thought I could “deal with it on my own.” Turns out, that wasn’t true and I needed more help than I was willing to admit.
Whatever we have experienced is a part of who we are – it will never go away and it won’t be forgotten. But, we can recover. Healing is possible. Talk to your pastor or a licensed counselor. Take advantage of any counseling benefits your workplace may offer. But don’t be afraid to ask for help.
I’m probably still going to oversleep, and I’m sure I’ll leave my house in a rush – that’s pretty much a normal thing for me. But this experience has left me with the acute reminder that each day is a gift. We’re not promised tomorrow. And I never want to take for granted even the smallest things in my life, because everything can be gone so quickly.
Until next time,
Melanie
The feelings and opinions expressed here are my own. I do not represent my workplace, nor am I affiliated with them in any way.